If you love something, set it free

The past seven days have been so difficult. I've had to keep plugging along, pretending to be OK. That's because I'm an adult. I realize my priorities. I see the big picture.

A week ago today, there was yet another disagreement in the house with Austin. Without disclosing many details, let's just say Austin likes to travel down a different road than we recommend. It's been a struggle for years. When we suggest something to Austin, or recommend something to Austin, he does the exact opposite just out of spite. That's what it feels like. His anger causes damage to our home. A week ago today, he left our house, his home. He does not wish to follow our rules, most of which just revolve around him being safe, following laws and being successful. He will be 18 in 5 days and he is (so he says) very well prepared to live on his own. Don and I, of course, are so worried about him, with good reason, but he can't see that. He doesn't care. He wants to be on his own, doing what he wants. Austin does not like authority of any kind. That seems very unrealistic to me, but perhaps I'm wrong. Austin is the epitome of indifferent. But, Austin is also a very great kid and I love him. That is the biggest reason this is all so difficult.

How do I let go? How do I stop calling, stop texting, stop worrying, stop caring. How do I let the chips fall where they may? How do I not feel ashamed or embarrassed? I certainly have failed as a parent. Why do we let him get the best of us when he tries to blame us for the bad choices he made? Why can't he be accountable for his actions?

This week has just been unbearable, trying to put on the happy face, trying not to cry. It has been so difficult to sleep; try to stop worrying about the policeman knocking on our door in the wee hours of the morning with that news that every parent dreads.

I feel like I'm babbling, and I'm sure I am. I can't think straight. I can't bear to watch this train wreck. I can't keep from trying to stop it but the truth is...I can't control the world, I can't control my family, I can't control the choices Austin makes. I just HAVE to let go. Really, I just need to turn this over to God. He is the only one who knows the outcome, he is the only one who can control this. I sincerely pray that Austin doesn't realize his "God Appointed Tragedy" because of his choices.

If you're reading this blog, I appreciate it and I'd appreciate your prayers. I have to respectfully ask that you not talk with me about this...even if you think it might help. I really need to deal with this is my own way for now and silence and solitude is the way I choose.